Episode 0 (re: Zero)

This is legit the first time I'm writing an entry on a weekday morning. Yesterday, I had an episode while I'm in the office. It was during lunch hour when most of the people already went out. I'm not sure what triggers me... Oh, wait! I think it was my deskmates, Atiq. She said something, she asked something. But the thing is, not what she said. The thing is how I took it.

       It triggers me badly that I had to clench my fist very very very hard and almost cut the veins on my palms. It scares me so bad that I cried too. I look out for Jack at that time and cried my heart out. But it was around 15 minutes only. I couldn't stay longer as I know people started to notice, so I excuse myself and went out to the toilet. However, I became so scared. That anxiety, I've never felt that before. It makes me anxious, shaking, cried, scared, hurting myself. What was that actually? Will it happened again? Can I handle it next time it happens again? Damn. I have so many questions but I don't have the answer.

       This is exactly the reason why I don't want to have a kid on my own. What if he/she found out this side of me that I've been trying so hard to hide? How can I face him/her at that time? "Sorry kid. I had depression last time when I was young.". WTF right? I bet that's the same word that would come out from their mouths as well. "WTF MOM." lol hahahahhahaha!

       Anyway, whoever you are, if you're reading this. Please pray for me. Pray for my health. I can't remember when was the last time I'm truly happy. I want to feel that again. I want to feel happy with my work again. I want to feel genuinely happy with everyone around me again. I want to feel happy with my family again. That's all I've been asking for from God nowadays. And that 'nowadays' is actually quite some time already. So please, and thank you :)

Love, H

Happee 2020! NOT!

It's a brand new year. I've been listening to the hype of 2020 thingy since forever. And now, the year that everyone has been waiting for is here. But then... *pardon my realist-side talking* the corruption in politics are still there, the world is worsening day by day, the natural disaster is happening more frequent nowadays, digital taxes has started on this country I'm living right now, and most importantly, there's nothing much improvement happened to me. *sigh*

       Seriously, I don't feel like having a New Year's resolution at all. Okay, let's do some catching up session. My housemate left, so I'm taking over her room (which, I don't really like it because this room is a bit small but the bed is taking over all the spaces this room has. However, I don't have much choice anyway). Also, I'm taking over her role before means now I'm the tenant in charge of this house. This means I've to spent lots of money this month. FML! The second day of 2020 and I already spent RM1.2k just to pay back to her the deposit, and need to cover 2 rooms in this house while actively looking for a new housemate as well. I'm fucking picky some more, so it is hard. Damn, adulthood really kicking me in the balls, even tho I don't have one. lol.

       I'm trying to take the responsibilities for my family as well, so yeah. I'm paying for the bills at home. That's the least I could do anyway. God. Please open for me more opportunities so I can grab more and earn more. Life is seriously hard.

So, maybe... these are my New Year's resolutions. Maybe it sounds like imagination but hey, why not?

• Getting myself an iPhone 11 Pro because my current phone is legit a time bomb that could die anytime soon. Also, why would I aim for that? Because I deserve that. It's my fucking money and I work my ass so hard for it.
• Write. Write about anything. Work out my brain. When I feel sad, write. When I'm angry, write. Work harder on hiding my emotions. I'm too old for that. So, stop it. Be mature.
• Write a bullet journal, at least once a week.
• Paint. At least twice a month. Find some inner peace. Practice makes perfect.
• Manage my cashflow. Know your desire, necessity, savings.
• Work more on coding skills. Learn new things every day. 
• Appreciate. Every little thing. Show people appreciation.
• Give more attention to my siblings, and L. They deserve that.
• Start my new project/business. Research more on that. That's what would give you more income.

I guess. That's all for now? I'm hungry already. Gonna go make something for lunch. Till then, adios!

Love, H