Dear Diary,
I believe everyone has things that they're struggling with. Me too. I feel like being 25 is the most challenging for me so far. I mean I don't know how it will be for upcoming years, but definitely, up until now, this year is the hardest one. I never feel like I wanted to die as much as this year. The anxiety & panic attack is real. It's freaking real. I fainted on a train full of people. Also, I never meet the dentist since high school. My teeth are falling apart. My life too.
I know that September is still a long way to go to finish. I'm not saying that this month is hard for me cause somehow, I still manage to stay alive LOL. But I swear to God, it's 22 September and I'm broke as fuck. HOWEVER... I still can lend my friend some money, I managed to pay RM200 for my PT loan, I finished paying to my grandma, and I managed to get few Starbucks merch (lol this one really interest matters). About food for the rest of the month, I guess I will fast. Since I had my period already for this month. And I still have some money left for my coffee dose. So yeah... let's see (and pray) for me to endure the rest of this month.
Somehow, I feel very... grateful. I still have some money left to lend to my friend. I mean, I know that I might need it more, but at that exact moment, she needs it more. Else I don't think she would even ask for only RM50 from me. "Dalam rezeki kita, ada rezeki orang lain." - I read this somewhere before, and I'm glad I've been chosen for this this time you know.
I swear I will save up more next - next - next month. So that whenever my family or my friends in desperate situations, I could help without even thinking twice.
September has been hard on me. But I guess, it's been hard on others as well. Btw, haze is getting worse now. Let's pray for heavy (yet safe) rain to fall yea 🤘🏻
Love, H.
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Friday, August 09, 2019
Bliss
Dear Diary,
I was sad for the last two nights and yesterday as well. I was in deep sorrow, unhappy with everything and disappointed in myself. So just now, before I took EL half-day, my manager asks me to come and talk to him. With him, I rarely kept any secret if it's work-related. He makes sure I didn't keep anything from him.
So I talked, I cried, I laughed, and I learned. Thankfully I managed to keep the person's name tightly to myself and myself only. I didn't reveal, even tho he almost kills me just to know who's the person that says all those bullshit to me. Thankfully, after I talked to him, I feel so much better. Without even reveal who.
And then a few hours ago, I confront that person. I told him that I was hurt by him. I told him that I was moody because of him. Just like I said, he doesn't even realize that he did wrong to me. Fast forward, he apologized for what he did, and he revealed something that I felt very touched. He told me that my senior offered himself to switch team and saved me because he trusts me. He knows I can take over his role very well in our team. He believes I can handle and overcome all the shits that will happen in the future. And that's... makes me nearly cry. I mean, for someone vaguely skeptical as him, would dare to place a bet on me, I'm just... stunned and touched. Because all that we know is he offers himself because he wants to learn new things. So I thought, "Oh! Okay.". Consider this opportunity came at the right time. But nah... he was doing that for me. HOW COULD I DIDN'T KNOW SHIT BOUT THAT?! Haish!
Anyway, I'm glad that person that hurts me, telling me that. It clears my thought and gains back my confidence. At least for... 7%? Glad I found friends among my colleagues. Glad I have people who willing to place a bet and trusting me that much. Glad that I have the same people that would have my back anytime I fall hard. Glad I have these crackheads in my life. Thanks, guys.
Love, H.
p/s: I'm writing this at Starbucks after decided to run away from work.
I was sad for the last two nights and yesterday as well. I was in deep sorrow, unhappy with everything and disappointed in myself. So just now, before I took EL half-day, my manager asks me to come and talk to him. With him, I rarely kept any secret if it's work-related. He makes sure I didn't keep anything from him.
So I talked, I cried, I laughed, and I learned. Thankfully I managed to keep the person's name tightly to myself and myself only. I didn't reveal, even tho he almost kills me just to know who's the person that says all those bullshit to me. Thankfully, after I talked to him, I feel so much better. Without even reveal who.
And then a few hours ago, I confront that person. I told him that I was hurt by him. I told him that I was moody because of him. Just like I said, he doesn't even realize that he did wrong to me. Fast forward, he apologized for what he did, and he revealed something that I felt very touched. He told me that my senior offered himself to switch team and saved me because he trusts me. He knows I can take over his role very well in our team. He believes I can handle and overcome all the shits that will happen in the future. And that's... makes me nearly cry. I mean, for someone vaguely skeptical as him, would dare to place a bet on me, I'm just... stunned and touched. Because all that we know is he offers himself because he wants to learn new things. So I thought, "Oh! Okay.". Consider this opportunity came at the right time. But nah... he was doing that for me. HOW COULD I DIDN'T KNOW SHIT BOUT THAT?! Haish!
Anyway, I'm glad that person that hurts me, telling me that. It clears my thought and gains back my confidence. At least for... 7%? Glad I found friends among my colleagues. Glad I have people who willing to place a bet and trusting me that much. Glad that I have the same people that would have my back anytime I fall hard. Glad I have these crackheads in my life. Thanks, guys.
Love, H.
p/s: I'm writing this at Starbucks after decided to run away from work.
Self-destruction mode
They say it's dangerous. Well, "they say".
But do they know they're the one that actually drives a person into this ugly mess?
For sure they don't. Some people don't even care if their opinion, their words are hurting people.
All they want everyone knows is that their opinion matters. Ugh!
That's actually very annoying.
This is what I'm dealing with right now.
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