Dear God,
I missed my dad. I missed having a dad. I missed calling my dad "Abah". I missed having someone worry about me, as sincere as my dad did. I missed being scolded by my dad when I did wrong. I missed having someone checking on me when I'm sick and when I didn't come home after so long. Seriously. I already forgot when was the last time I came home. Home doesn't feel like home anymore ever since you left.
Everything went wrong. Everyone went to separate ways. When you left, you took our souls as well I guess. But then, I'm trying my best not to let Abang, Bangchik, Kakak, and Adik feel left out by me. God, please give me strength. I really need it. Please give me lots of rezeki yang diberkati dan diredhai as well. I promise to take of them, and I want to do it before I die.
I really missed my dad. Al-fatihah for you, Abah.
Love, Angah.
Saturday, October 05, 2019
Survived
Dear Diary,
September has ended, and I survived! Yay me! Okay, this may sound like nothing much but hey, surviving a month with so little money and alone, is so fucking hard I tell you. Try being a 25 years old working gal with no saving (because I've used up all for personal reason) and total RM19 in your current bank account, then you'll understand what I mean.
Anyway, my entry today is not about my bank account or how I survived last month (dude, because God has my back, obviously) or anything related to last month. No. I just wanna write my thoughts out, about going out alone or in my term I would say "lepak sorang".
Okay geng, basically lepak sorang ni takde isu pun sebenarnya. Until some people make it like it's a big issue, make it looks pathetic if you're going out alone, shopping or eating all by yourself. But actually, it is not. Okay, first of all, don't take my words as I'm being bias or what. For me, a girl or guy that can do this shows how independence they are. They don't care about people being judgy towards their decisions. They don't mind breaking the stigma about being pathetic or what so ever. This kind of person earns my respect *hats off*.
To be honest, I'm also a bit like this, doesn't mind lepak sorang, but somehow, my friends will feel pity for me. I'm not sure why tho 🤔. Maybe... maybe I look lonely, but definitely, I don't feel lonely. I feel free. I feel happy. I feel like I'm not a burden or a nuisance to anyone. That's what matters. I have total freedom, all by myself. Based on my experience, if I have to go out with anyone, usually they'll have to wait for me. Well, most of the time, yes. And then, sometimes I do feel a bit rush. Also, I have to think of others, in terms of making decisions and such. I cannot simply say I want to go this and want to eat that and want to see this, without considering their feelings. So yeah, it sucks. Since I'm a freaking picky eater and a very random person, I really hate making plans and such. So, by enjoying my time alone, I'll have all the time in the world, all by myself. Oh! Forget to mention, I hate waiting. Damn, I hate it so much. I'll slowly lose my patience, feel very annoyed and I'll lose the mood already.
I do have a boyfriend. Yes. You remember L? He's still the man of my life. We do going out sometimes, but yeah LDR is like that one. We only meet up sometimes. That's how I end up on my own most of the time. Friends? I don't do LDR with my friends lol but of course, not every day or every week I'm going out with them la. We meet up some times, or we spend some hours shopping together, going gig or maybe just, going out eat, catching up session and things like that.
So yeah. You get what I mean huh? To my fellow friends who read this entry, being alone sometimes doesn't mean you're lonely. It means you're brave enough to embrace your freedom and enjoy it to the fullest. If I can do this, tell me why you can't?
Love, H.
September has ended, and I survived! Yay me! Okay, this may sound like nothing much but hey, surviving a month with so little money and alone, is so fucking hard I tell you. Try being a 25 years old working gal with no saving (because I've used up all for personal reason) and total RM19 in your current bank account, then you'll understand what I mean.
Anyway, my entry today is not about my bank account or how I survived last month (dude, because God has my back, obviously) or anything related to last month. No. I just wanna write my thoughts out, about going out alone or in my term I would say "lepak sorang".
Okay geng, basically lepak sorang ni takde isu pun sebenarnya. Until some people make it like it's a big issue, make it looks pathetic if you're going out alone, shopping or eating all by yourself. But actually, it is not. Okay, first of all, don't take my words as I'm being bias or what. For me, a girl or guy that can do this shows how independence they are. They don't care about people being judgy towards their decisions. They don't mind breaking the stigma about being pathetic or what so ever. This kind of person earns my respect *hats off*.
To be honest, I'm also a bit like this, doesn't mind lepak sorang, but somehow, my friends will feel pity for me. I'm not sure why tho 🤔. Maybe... maybe I look lonely, but definitely, I don't feel lonely. I feel free. I feel happy. I feel like I'm not a burden or a nuisance to anyone. That's what matters. I have total freedom, all by myself. Based on my experience, if I have to go out with anyone, usually they'll have to wait for me. Well, most of the time, yes. And then, sometimes I do feel a bit rush. Also, I have to think of others, in terms of making decisions and such. I cannot simply say I want to go this and want to eat that and want to see this, without considering their feelings. So yeah, it sucks. Since I'm a freaking picky eater and a very random person, I really hate making plans and such. So, by enjoying my time alone, I'll have all the time in the world, all by myself. Oh! Forget to mention, I hate waiting. Damn, I hate it so much. I'll slowly lose my patience, feel very annoyed and I'll lose the mood already.
I do have a boyfriend. Yes. You remember L? He's still the man of my life. We do going out sometimes, but yeah LDR is like that one. We only meet up sometimes. That's how I end up on my own most of the time. Friends? I don't do LDR with my friends lol but of course, not every day or every week I'm going out with them la. We meet up some times, or we spend some hours shopping together, going gig or maybe just, going out eat, catching up session and things like that.
So yeah. You get what I mean huh? To my fellow friends who read this entry, being alone sometimes doesn't mean you're lonely. It means you're brave enough to embrace your freedom and enjoy it to the fullest. If I can do this, tell me why you can't?
Love, H.
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Wake me up when September ends
Dear Diary,
I believe everyone has things that they're struggling with. Me too. I feel like being 25 is the most challenging for me so far. I mean I don't know how it will be for upcoming years, but definitely, up until now, this year is the hardest one. I never feel like I wanted to die as much as this year. The anxiety & panic attack is real. It's freaking real. I fainted on a train full of people. Also, I never meet the dentist since high school. My teeth are falling apart. My life too.
I know that September is still a long way to go to finish. I'm not saying that this month is hard for me cause somehow, I still manage to stay alive LOL. But I swear to God, it's 22 September and I'm broke as fuck. HOWEVER... I still can lend my friend some money, I managed to pay RM200 for my PT loan, I finished paying to my grandma, and I managed to get few Starbucks merch (lol this one really interest matters). About food for the rest of the month, I guess I will fast. Since I had my period already for this month. And I still have some money left for my coffee dose. So yeah... let's see (and pray) for me to endure the rest of this month.
Somehow, I feel very... grateful. I still have some money left to lend to my friend. I mean, I know that I might need it more, but at that exact moment, she needs it more. Else I don't think she would even ask for only RM50 from me. "Dalam rezeki kita, ada rezeki orang lain." - I read this somewhere before, and I'm glad I've been chosen for this this time you know.
I swear I will save up more next - next - next month. So that whenever my family or my friends in desperate situations, I could help without even thinking twice.
September has been hard on me. But I guess, it's been hard on others as well. Btw, haze is getting worse now. Let's pray for heavy (yet safe) rain to fall yea 🤘🏻
Love, H.
I believe everyone has things that they're struggling with. Me too. I feel like being 25 is the most challenging for me so far. I mean I don't know how it will be for upcoming years, but definitely, up until now, this year is the hardest one. I never feel like I wanted to die as much as this year. The anxiety & panic attack is real. It's freaking real. I fainted on a train full of people. Also, I never meet the dentist since high school. My teeth are falling apart. My life too.
I know that September is still a long way to go to finish. I'm not saying that this month is hard for me cause somehow, I still manage to stay alive LOL. But I swear to God, it's 22 September and I'm broke as fuck. HOWEVER... I still can lend my friend some money, I managed to pay RM200 for my PT loan, I finished paying to my grandma, and I managed to get few Starbucks merch (lol this one really interest matters). About food for the rest of the month, I guess I will fast. Since I had my period already for this month. And I still have some money left for my coffee dose. So yeah... let's see (and pray) for me to endure the rest of this month.
Somehow, I feel very... grateful. I still have some money left to lend to my friend. I mean, I know that I might need it more, but at that exact moment, she needs it more. Else I don't think she would even ask for only RM50 from me. "Dalam rezeki kita, ada rezeki orang lain." - I read this somewhere before, and I'm glad I've been chosen for this this time you know.
I swear I will save up more next - next - next month. So that whenever my family or my friends in desperate situations, I could help without even thinking twice.
September has been hard on me. But I guess, it's been hard on others as well. Btw, haze is getting worse now. Let's pray for heavy (yet safe) rain to fall yea 🤘🏻
Love, H.
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